I just just come across Dr Sjefali Tsabary, a clinincal phsychologist integtrating Eastern mindfulness with Western psychology. I particularly like her take on parenting which is similar to Naomi Aldort (who’s book Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves is the book I would recommend to parents).
I have learnt so much about myself since becomming a parent and how I bring my ‘stuff’ in to the relationship which is often not helpful. I am learning more and more to trust my son as as a unique being, letting him grow fully in emotional and spiritual awareness. To do this I need to let my fears and anxieties go, my sense of needing to ‘control’ him (both behaviour and emotions) which can too easily shut him down emotionally longer term.
The one things I have realised is that when I see him doing something I don’t want him to be doing for whatever reason, something we often label as ‘naughty’, I can trust that all his behaviour has a positive purpose. Knowing this I can let go of my preconceptions and lovingly ask him what he is doing and why and I am constantly amazed at the positive intent that I could have so easily missed.
I grew up not really knowing who I am, what I want, what my passions and talents are. I want my son to grow up havin that sense of self and purpose in the world – spiritually and emotionally awake.
Here is Dr Tasabary taking about conscious parenting from her blog:
The world is ready for a new paradigm of parenting. Our children are thirsty for it.
The old model of the parent-child relationship is dated. Parental dominance and hierarchy create a sense of separation between ourselves and our children. Our children in turn internalize this separation and project it onto the world around them. This is why our world has begun to look the way it does.
Union needs to replace divisiveness. Mutuality instead of rivalry. Oneness instead of separation.
It all begins in the parent-child relationship.
It is only when we dip beneath the traditional notions of what it means to be a parent that we will be afforded a glimpse of how we can truly create oneness with our children. To do this we need to understand the spiritual significance of why we became parents and more importantly, why our children came to us.
The spiritual purpose we became parents is to grow and transform. Specifically, to learn how to get in touch with those parts of ourselves that we have forgotten, discover where we have been wounded, and commit to new ways of being and living.
The reason parenting allows one of the most powerful opportunities to do this is because our children are able to be mirror our soul in a way few others can. They reflect back our light and our shadow in a manner that is incomparable. Because of their symbiosis and dependence on us, this mirror is particularly clear. While with others we can always say, “this person is like this or that because of his or her parents,” with our children the spotlight always turns to us.
Unless we look at the others’ in our lives, particularly our children, as the mirrors of our own spiritual development or un-development, we will not be able to use relationships as platforms for growth. As Michael Jackson said in the ‘Man in the Mirror’,
“I’m starting with the man in the mirror,
I’m asking him to change his ways,
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself,
And then make a change”
Once we realize that we became parents to learn a new spiritual language, we begin to understand why it is our children came to us. They too came to their parents – us – to learn how to become more whole. It is the interaction we both share with each other that makes us both aware of all that we yet have to learn together.
Once this paradigm is adopted, the axis of the relationship shifts. Although we adopt the role of the “more powerful” one and definitely need to maintain this responsibility in terms of our children’s material care and concerns, our relationship now transcends the material.
Parent and child are now truly each other’s spiritual teachers and students. Each giving and receiving in a mutually reciprocal manner. There is no greater-than or lesser-than. Only oneness.
Once we tap into this sacred togetherness, we immediately become appreciative of the other’s role in our lives. We are indebted to our teachers. We begin to carry this sense of gratitude and uniting force within. This is what we project to the world without.
This new paradigm has the power to create a shift in every family.
No more illusions of power or control. Instead, only kinship and deep connection.
Oneness.
