Use Positive Language
How many times have you had it happen where you have told a child “don’t do X” and they do exactly that, whether it be spilt a drink or fall from a height etc.
For some reason societies default way of talking to children, and I still catch myself defaulting to this, is to use negative language. How many times have you said or do you hear “don’t spill the drink” or “don’t fall from there” or “don’t run” etc.
Let’s see what happens when we use negative language. What is the first thing that comes to mind if I were to say the following. “Don’t think of a Blue Tree”. There, what happened? What did you think of? Let me guess, a Blue Tree? The thing is our brain cannot process a negative without first processing the positive. So you cannot not think of a blue tree until you have first thought of one. What are you are then left with in your mind is the blue tree, the very thing you were told not to think of! When a child is told “don’t spill the drink”, all their mind hears is “spill the drink” because that is what it processed subconsciously to make sense of what was being said, so what are they more likely to do? You’ve guessed it. Reframing things using positive language focusses their mind on what you want them to do. Your mind need a target, something to aim for, using positive language means that target is what you want them to do rather than the opposite.
Be Specific
Your mind needs a specific target to aim for and I think often we make requests of children that are not specific enough for them. If you see a child and we are worried they are about to hurt themselves the most natural thing to say might be “be careful”. But to a young child, fully engaged in what they are doing, what does this mean? In any situation many words can mean many things to different people. It may be far more helpful to ask them to “hold the cup tight”, or “walk slowly”, or “look where you are going”, all of which gives them a clear direct targeted request in which they can focus their mind. The same goes for using language like “a lot”, “later”, “not long”. I find it can be easier to use these types of words, especially if your child has not yet learnt to tell the time or understands how long five minutes is, but with perhaps a little more effort it is possible to explain to them in way they understand. For example if they are playing and you need to get them out of the door instead of “we need to go soon”, you could say “we need to go in five minutes, that is probably long enough to finish the tower you are building before we go”. This is far more specific than ‘soon’ and sets a clear expectation about what they can and cannot do before they need to stop playing. Some children need more of a warning than others. You can then give them a three minute (three more towers?) and then a one minute warning (last tower). They may not understand the concept of a minute but they do understand the reducing numbers and that it is getting closer.
Give Choice
No-one likes to be told what to do. It is human nature, we have free will and want to express that. However, there are times when you need to get little Jonny dressed and out of the door to get to work or get sister Jenny to school. If you need to tell a child what to do (e.g. “you need to get dressed now”) it is possible to do so and give the illusion that they are getting a choice. The difference is that you are deciding on what the choices are. A friend of mine recalls a time when he was in a restaurant with his young sons. When one of them orders a steak and the waitress asked him whether he wanted peas or beans with that he asked for peas. When the waitress had gone my friend said to his son ‘but you don’t like peas or beans’. His son had not considered there being an alternative to the two options he was presented with (peas or beans). He could have said neither or asked if there were any other options. The word ‘or’ limits people to within the parameters being offered, forgetting to remember that there could be other options. So, if you are wanting your child to get dressed and they would rather not, instead telling them ‘have to get dressed now’, you could ask them whether they want to get dressed in their bedroom or the living room. They get the element of choice whilst achieving the intended outcome. They are focussed on the choice and sometimes forget the presupposition of they are getting dressed. I used this today with my 3 year old son who hates getting dressed and would be happiest being in his pyjamas all day! Knowing we had to leave the house in 15 minutes the first choice I gave him was whether he wanted to get dressed in 5 minutes or 10 minutes. When the allotted time came I then asked him what he wanted to put on first. All the way through giving him choices where possible. A study on motivation by Edward L. Deci and Richard M. Ryan, professors in the Department of Clinical and Social Sciences in Psychology at the University of Rochester identified that for someone (children and adults) to be intrinsically motivated to do something one of the factors is that they need to have autonomy over the task. Giving a child choice gives them some autonomy over the task. The other elements of intrinsic motivation include novelty, challenge, learning and purpose. The more of these you can add in to the task the more motivated they will be to do it without having to be told.