‘I can’t do it’ is the cry from my son as the lego is scattered in all directions like confetti. We loved playing lego together and this used to be quite common when he was younger and struggled with some of the smaller pieces. Who hasn’t spent ages trying to prise apart two thin flat pieced of lego?!
How I respond in such situations can have a great impact on my son’s self confidence and esteem. The fact he had verbalised his frustration made it easier for me to respond, often kids do not verbalise their emotions and they are expressed in behaviour which is then creates a reaction in parent’s and teachers which may or may not be helpful to their self esteem and confidence.
It all starts with a thought. A child may be doing something and then when they find it difficult or think they cannot do it they may tell themselves ‘I can’t do this, I’m no good’. A thought comes hand in hand with an emotion. In this instance it may be frustration. This in turn is expressed, often with a behaviour that is deemed to be ‘naughty’ or disruptive to parents or teachers. A response of the teacher/parent that results in the child feeling disapproved of in any way may re-enforce the child’s thinking that they are ‘no good’. This in turn is going to knock their self esteem and confidence all the more.
Sadly in a typical school environment where the use of rewards and punishments foster a culture of kids needing to seek acceptance from their teachers (because not being accepted may result in a punishment or removal of privileges/rewards) and with teachers/parents misunderstanding their behaviour as disruptive or ‘naughty’ I can imagine it can be all too easy for the above scenario to take place.
So, when you see your child doing something you don’t understand why, don’t jump to conclusions or make assumptions. Take the time to seek understanding as to why they did it. How are they feeling? What thoughts are behind those emotions? It can be all to easy to deal with the behaviour we don’t particularly like with hard words, punishments and rewards without seeking an understanding as to why they did it in the first place.
As I picked up the lego from the floor I asked him whether he felt frustrated, which he confirmed. This then enable us together to work out what we could do to enable him to achieve what he trying to do. The moment of frustrated passed more quickly than you can imagine, he felt understood and accepted with his self esteem and confidence in tact. And we got to finish the space rocket we were building!
